the picture serves NO purpose. i just love it. and fuck you too.


let me start by saying that it’s monday afternoon and i’m already tired from the thought of the week that lies ahead. the guy sissified tweetybird that i’m renting from is returning from college a few months earlier than previously agreed. thus, i must leave. not solely because fuckface wants his room back….but….based on the three (3) times that we’ve interacted face-to-face, alex shall not be able to cohabitate with this being. dude is terribly inconsiderate. por ejemplo: i returned to the apartment after spending the night @ a friend’s to find three random people i’ve never seen before lounging (half-nude) on the floor in my room. an open makeup kit sat on my futon and two boys scurried to get dressed and giggled at the “what the fuck!?!” expression on my face.

my first thought: “i’ve just interrupted a porno shoot.”

my second thought: “i’m about to be arrested for attempted murder.”

the girl, an undeservingly overconfident broad “frum texus” extended her sweaty and to me. i declined. “i’m ashley.”

me: “of course….”

then fuckface runs out the room and explains that these are his friends visiting with him from philly (where he goes to “school.”) they clubbed and came back to crash. “we tried to call you to ask if it was cool if they crashed here.”

i’m thinking: “liar. my phone is surgically attached to my penis. it never leaves my body. please die now.”

…i’m getting off track. this isn’t about how much of an inconsiderate, rude, xtube-video-posting, fucktard this ghastly skinny boy is. this is about me having to move. me thinks i’m going to call up one of those “man with a van” ads i see EVERYWHERE and pray to Rupaul that some big burly brooklyn dude (with a van) comes to my aid. prolly not.

so…between today and tomorrow, i must pack, finalize this apt thing, put shit in storage and move. by tomorrow night, i’ll have a new address. for a few weeks, anyway. in the meantime, i’ll be hunting for my OWN place. this roommate shit gives me the blues and I hope i never NEED a roommate. ever.

this whole ordeal has been far more dramatic than required, thanks mostly to my horrible, wretched procrastinating ways. i was WELL aware of this impending move, and worked 9 days a week frederick douglas style to save up some scrilla to move with. my ass then decides to wait until 3-4 days BEFORE moving to solidify these plans. didn’t i tell you that I ARE GENIUS!??! boy, i amaze myself sometimes. but…as is always the case, i shall be fine. watch.

que más?

ah yes. so…yeah. today i walk into Capital One on Broadway down in Soho to cash a paycheck. some western European broad who obviously grew up drinking polluted well water tried to lure me with her CzechosloRussian charm into opening an account. Girl, please. i collected my coins and headed to the elevator. i glanced at the other business on the floor and see a sign for Music Gremlin. and I fagged out for like 2.2 seconds. you see, when i moved to new york on June 6, 2006 i unloaded my car at granny’s house (that cottage cheese-eating nutcase. ugh!) and hit it into manhattan for my very first new york job interview…at music gremlin. they are a music company who produces a product/service similar to the zune. a clear ripoff, but whatever. anywho they didn’t see it in the stars for me to work there. and that’s totally fine. maybe i should have slobbed some knob while there…? anywho it was just interesting to happen upon this place randomly.

then the moment was over.

and…here i sit in starbucks on some hijacked ass internet connection listening to my mother (Anita Baker) shooting lust-filled glances at fellow caffeine junkies, looking up storage companies. yay.

madonna’s hard candy is pop perfection. and it makes my dick drip.

and she looks AMAZING to be going on 695 years old.


i haven’t had sex in 34 days.

have a nice day.


5 responses to “randomness

  1. I’m moving too. Yay! We have something in common.

    I haven’t had sex in 127 days. I can’t believe I’m not dead yet.

  2. i cant wait to see you. have (not) fun moving. i think i’d wanna marry madonna…but i think she’s gonna live another 400 years, and i only have 38 left, and i dont want her taking my life savings, insurance and genital warts from my children. then again, she’d prolly adopt them out in Nepal or some humanitarian shit like that…and my daughter would become a Taiwanese porn star. dream crushed, right there.

    you shoulda charged that ignorantly rude fucker a ‘usage fee’ for his filming…as well as a clean up fee for the shit you had to wash their expelled juices on…a well inflated price for the travelling stars that they are…ooh, and since they had just paid overly exorbant prices at the bar, a 60% tip (for your late yet timely arrival) would suffice, I do believe…

  3. by the way. i, too, pray to one Andre RuPaul. his dick tucks are the best, and I learned all of my shaving tips from his autobiography. that last sentence is the truth or may Ru Strike me down. God too.

  4. I fucking LOVE Madonna. Love that ho. I want her to fuck Justin Timberlake and put THAT shit in a video. Just because. She makes all us “older bitches” proud. I’ve been a fan since I tried to tease up my lil’ black girl naps to look like her in the “Lucky Star” video. Aye ya ya, I love that bitch!! I just got “Discipline” too…that shit got my panties wet. I’m gonna give my new iPod a fuckin’ orgasm for sure!! Love ya, boo!

  5. you are tooo funny! I don’t envy you right now….maybe later.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s