Monthly Archives: June 2008

boy, you stupit (celebrity edition)

lend your ears when a genius speaks, boy. my herpes is at it again, spitting that gospel to the masses. educating you peasants with his never-ending wealth of knowledge.

“It can never be bad to have a foundation as a man—a black man—in a time when women are dying for men,” he says. Women have started to become lovers of each other as a result of not having enough men. Are you not studying the stories? Wake up! Black love is a good thing.”

hand me my gun, please.

so, because there aren’t enough gay r&b singers running around to deceive women (and transexual stylists), women are forced to resort to loving one another?

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last summer…

i found this old pic from our family reunion last summer. one of my cousins snapped this picture as i leaped off the swing, nearly giving my grandmother a heart attack in the process. good times.

seen in manhattan.

while walking in manhattan with dre and irwin the other day i spotted something that spoke to my me, intensely. and it inspired me to write a beautiful piece to show the raw emotion that the subject of this photo stirs within my soul.

here it goes:

girl, i hate you.

the end.

a call to action.

hello fam.

i just got in from an unsually stressful, yet unlucrative shift at work. snooty guests. obnoxious corporate protocol. infectious stupidity among coworkers. unwanted sexual advances from the feminine muscular boy. dumb shit. i come home, expecting to relax and take my mind off the day, chill in my room, safe from retards and fuckfaces.

apparently that is too much to ask.

first of all, i walk in to find my weedhead ass roommate (and his weedhead friends) lounging around, sipping ghettojuice, and listening to bad music….

not USHER bad music or AKON bad music….but…

khia.


like…”my neck, my back” khia.

the same khia that is three and a half rungs below trina on the talentless, gutterbutt ass hoodrat female rapper scale.

the khia who’s ancestry received scraps during the process of evolution.

this underservingly confident, softball-nippled nubian gutter-bred goddess:


beetlejuice.

beetlejuice.

beetlejuice.

nope. still there.

anywho, THAT was not the purpose of this post.

i write to you all with a heavy heart. i received some news that has miss sofia and i feelin’ mighty down. [slave voice] i’se feelin miiiiiighty low. [/slave voice] once again, a mindless, wealthy jigaboo has duped a chain of fools and been acquitted of a vile, horrible crime which he definitely did commit.

if you’ve been living under a rock (or the Bronx) i’ll lay it on you real easy-like:

this man:


robert kelly, the virgin pussy crook

has been found NOT GUILTY of 7 of 14 charges of videotaping himself having sex with an underage girl.

let that sink in for a minute.

the jurors were charged with deciding whether they believed the creep in the video was R. Kelly. the defense used EVERY low down, dirty, half-assed excuse and gamble from every bad movie to spare this guilty coon. several days of testimony were spent debating over a mole that may or may not have appeared on the back gentleman in the video. next, said mole apparently changes positions on his back.

then, these grown, college-educated, salaried “lawyers” claimed that robert’s wretched face was “imposed onto the head of the body using technology similar to that used in the movie little man.”

THIS movie??

really?

that’s your defense, robert?

i hang my head in shame. sadly, i’m not surprised though. yet another deseprate black man, reaching to the heavens for an exit to this shitty predicament. what does surprise me is the half decade that’s passed between indictment and this circus. apparently, the “victim” wouldn’t testify, greatly damaging the prosecution’s case.

what
the
fuck?!?

now. i know i’m not the only pervert who’s seen that goddamn video of robert losing his religion inside that lil girl’s coochie. don’t lie dammit. i seentchu watchin! helen keller could see that robert is the jerk in the video. what more proof did they need?

i’m just confused by it all. robert. orenthal. both guilty as fuck. two guilty, free jerks.

WHERE IS THE JUSTICE?!?!?

as my Uncle Ruckus would say:

i vote to bring back lynching in these cases. rid society of two sick ass, scatter-brained, white woman-murdering, teenage vagina-loving, aging embarassments to the race.

and MOTHERFUCKERS STILL BUY R. KELLY’S MUSIC?!?!?

again…confused.

maybe it’s a cry for help…?

yes. that’s it. is THAT the face of sanity? would a level-headed, straight-thinking person do that to themselves?

fuck no.
clearly, this man is not alright. he doesn’t “need some prayer” or a break or sympathy or his freedom. he’s not “a little touched” or going through some “little issues” as i’ve heard ignorant negroids claim.

let’s not mince words. don’t minimize what has proven to be a BIG problem for this beast. there’s nothing little about this issue. robert kelly is great-wall-of-china crazy. latoya jackson crazy. crazy in the name of grace jones and old dirty bastard.

and needs to be destroyed.

Robert, you should quit life.
SO.

i humbly ask you, intelligent human being, that if you see him, or have any connection to anyone with “capabilities”….do the following:

1. find him.
2. lure him with the promise of virgin pussy.
3. trap him.
4. castrate him.

5. and beat him to death with a bag of broken ashanti cd’s.

that’s not so hard, right?

besides, what are friends for?


you will be smiled upon come judgement day, i promise.

i’m off to join the KKK.

goodnite comrades.

signed,

chris.alexander
President, Robert Kelly Death Squad

ikea is coming to brooklyn.

finally, the long-rumored IKEA Red Hook is opening next week in Brooklyn.

this is their setup in Union Square. a 20 x 20 box, set up and furnished like a studio apartment. shows shoppers EXACTLY how to lay their space out. that is one thing i LOVE about ikea, those bastards will MAXIMIZE any space presented to them, giving you a dining area, bedroom, closet, living room, and bathroom ALL in your 5 x 5 new york city apartment. for under $2000. and you’ll love it.

so now, i will no longer have to journey across international borders (new jersey, yuck!) to buy cheap european furniture. hooray.