Note: I need you to do me a favor and share this with anybody you consider a friend or loved one. You will be doing them a big, amazing, free favor. Thank you.
Hello children. It’s me: your good friend, Professor ChrisAlexander.
Happy New Year! How’s everything? Good, right? Great. Some recession we’re in, huh? Boy oh boy. Times are hard. But, children, we’re not here to discuss how the Fuckhead in Chief has run this country into the shitter. Although….Haiti may actually have us beat economically!
(Crickets….sparse awkward laughter)
…..I’m here to share something important with you. Let me first say that I love you. And because I love you, I have taken it upon myself to educate you (the uninformed or misinformed consumer) about things that will make the world a better place for you and for me and the entire human race.
Today’s lesson will cover a topic that I am a little more familiar with than most. It is something that each of us can relate to and knows something about: restaurants. More specifically, how your monkey ass should (and should NOT) behave the next time you moonwalk that ass into anybody’s dining establishment.
Rather than bombard you with my expansive knowledge, I shall bring you into the light gradually. In 2009, the goal is to live right, give to the needy, and avoid pissing off those who handle your food by any means necessary.
(house lights go down. spotlight focuses in my podium.)
Chapter One: “Please Wait To Be Seated”
I should note that this chapter does not pertain to so called “fast food” environments, but focuses more on restaurants that feature waiters, non paper glasses and cups, employees without visors, and don’t contain dedicated children play areas.
With that said, I shall start at the beginning. I’ll take it slow so that no child gets left behind. Remember. If you have questions, please, don’t hesitate to ask them. We’re all friends here, right??
Okay. Now, whether you make a reservation or not, the entrance into the restaurant usually sets the tone for the dining experience. Being attitudinal when requesting a seat is discouraged. That pretty little table beside the dumpster just might have your name on it.
Hopefully, you’re hungry and eager to drink a little (or a lot). So, let’s grab a seat!
NO, YOU CANNOT SEAT YOURSELF.
Hosts and hostesses (the attractive people who greet, size you up, label and prejudge you upon entering the dining establishment) exist for a reason. Their job is to accommodate all reasonable requests and ensure everyone (not just you) is comfortable, happy, and in the mood to spends lots of money.
You will notice tables with varying numbers of table settings. Some for 2 guests, 4 guests, 6 guests, or larger. The seating of these tables is usually systematic. Many factors go into deciding where you are placed. We will go into this more in a later chapter. The point is, don’t rock the boat.
Now, although such requests aren’t questioned in “fast food” environments, before you even ask:
NO, YOUR PARTY OF TWO CANNOT HAVE A DAMN TABLE DESIGNATED FOR SIX PEOPLE.
Don’t inconvenience the rest of the world because you a) have a Big Mac addiction and need seating for two or b) want space to put your feet up, spread your legs, or rest your head after you eat yourself into a food coma. Get a grip. Besides, that’s not what Jesus would do.
Whether you realize it or not, you are NOT the only people in this particular establishment. So, be mindful of the fact that other groups and individuals would also like to enjoy their meal comfortably.
Also, when being walked to your seat, please remember the aforementioned seating system that exists in most restaurants. If entering a restaurant without a reservation at a particularly busy time of day, please don’t huff and puff when your question, “Can I have a booth?” is answered with “No. Fuck off. Sit down.”
Last minute key points:
-Moving tables around, together, or apart all willy nilly at your own damn discretion is not allowed or appreciated. You are not the decorator. Take a seat, spend lots of money, and get the fuck out.
-Contain your goddamn kids. If you don’t want to be bothered with your kids, chances are that your waitress doesn’t either. The restaurant is not the place to let little Charlesina and little Anfernee spread their wings the way they do at home. Throwing food and silverware, jumping on chairs, and doing sprints in the aisles are not cute or picture-worthy. The surrounding tables aren’t sending you death stares because they’re envious of little Bessie’s melodic voice, they want you to grab that little hussie by the throat and put an end to her fucking shrills. Besides, your magical brand of parenting (read: none) is a gift that should be shared privately among loved ones. Keep some secrets for yourself, right?
Okay, so hopefully you haven’t pissed anyone off and been refused service or banned and managed to get a seat. Let’s move on to Chapter 2.
Chapter 2: “Waiting, Waiters, etc.”
Alright. You’ve made it past screening, convinced the host that you DO have (enough) money and you have received your very own table.
You’re doing good so far. Let’s continue.
Depending on the season, you may have coats, jackets, umbrellas, shopping bags, etc. Before you get too comfortable,
NO, YOU MAY NOT USE THE SURROUNDING TABLES AND AISLES AS YOUR PERSONAL STORAGE SPACE AND COATRACK.
Hang your goddamn belongings on YOUR goddamn chair or tuck them under YOUR goddamn table. Don’t place your raggedy Canal Street-bought “Burberry” scarf on the ground and raise hell when it gets stepped on. Placing items on the floor usually signals a lack of concern, so if you don’t care, then I don’t care: I’m going out of my way to step on it.
CHECK YOUR DAMN COATS AND SHIT AND SKIP THE HASSLE.
Don’t be a jerk, jerk. This is not your goddamn house, so
USE YOUR DAMN BRAIN AND PICK YOUR SHIT UP OFF THE GROUND.
You could also get “pick-pocketed.” Pick-pockets just love fancy-looking (fake) bags left unattended on the back of a chair or a purse placed conveniently beside the feet of a tipsy patron. Use some damn sense.
If you do place your things in that open table beside you,
DON’T GET SNIPPY WITH THE SERVER WHO ASKS YOU TO REMOVE YOUR RAGGEDY SHIT FOR ANOTHER GUEST TO SIT DOWN.
Remember, 2009 is not about being an inconsiderate shitbag.
Now, once all your belongings are situated and you’re settled, it’s okay to relax, chit-chat, and take in your surroundings. This restaurant may be new to you, so if you’re excited, great! You may be dining with friends or family you haven’t seen in ages, so its natural to want to catch up, right? But, keep in mind:
THE TABLE DOES NOT BELONG TO YOU FOR THE REST OF THE DAY
LOOK AT THE DAMN MENU.
“Do you need more time?” actually means “Please hurry the fuck up. You aren’t the only table in this joint, so I don’t have time to stand here and smile while you motherfuckers figure how many ways you can split a sandwich.”
The restaurant has taken the time to print you your own personal list off the day’s offerings and want you to review all that is available and have the best meal possible. Each dish has been prepared with love and may even have its own cute little description on the menu, answering a question you may feel inclined to ask your lovely waiter/waitress.
While waiting for your server, be patient. Perfection isn’t easily attained so please be aware than he or she is preparing to wow you with stellar service so,
FLAGGING SERVERS DOWN WITH MENUS, NAPKINS, PHONES AND EMPTY GLASSES IS NOT THE WAY TO MAKE YOUR SERVER EAGER TO PLEASE YOU.
Note: “YOO-HOOOO….!” and “HEY YOU!” are also not okay. Jerk.
Such behavior may even lead to delayed wait times, incorrect drinks, and misunderstood or unheard food orders.
Example 2.1: “Oh, you wanted a rare burger?? I completely missed that! I thought you said VERY VERY well done. Guess we’ll have to get you another one.”
“OH! You’re a vegan!?! I thought you said EXTRA MEAT and TRIPLE CHEESE!”
And nobody wins in situations like that. You may try to stick it to the server at the end of the meal by skipping the tip, but (being three steps ahead) he’s already sprinkled finely crushed glass into your rice and you’ll be dead in a day.
See? Nobody wins.
Sit tight, keep your pants on and your voice down. Patience, jerk. Your server is happy to meet you and answer any questions you may have. If he or she attempts to introduce himself or herself, let them. You might wish you remembered their name when you start to notice that crushed glass tearing up your stomach lining.
A general note: If you’re not of age, don’t order alcohol. You getting a sudden soda craving when asked for identification (“Oh, you know what? I think I’ll have a Fanta.”) only makes you look foolish. You knew when you sat down with a group of 30-year olds that your 19-year old ass has never successfully ordered beer. That $20 fake ID you got in a seedy “copy shop” won’t work everytime. However, if you like public humiliation, then by all means, feel free to try it!
Second note: If you know upon being seated that you have $13 and a condom in your pocket,
DON’T REQUEST “MORE TIME” WHEN BEVERAGES ARE OFFERED IF YOU KNOW YOUR POOR ASS IS HAVING WATER ONLY.
Don’t be ashamed. Embrace and stand firmly in your poverty! As an extra credit assignment, next time you dine out, I want you to confidently state, “Water only, please,” when questioned. You’ll save a few minutes and prevent the server from having to roll their eyes at you. Practice now. Notice the rush of adrenaline and confidence that surges through you from shedding asshole tendencies! Yes!!! Some have even called this sensation “orgasmic.” You be the judge.
In general, when communicating with server/waiters, remain calm. I know his or her awesomeness is probably a little overwhelming. Their brilliance could be blinding, but fear not. They exist to serve you. So, as long as you don’t make any fucking ridiculous requests or demands (covered in the next chapter), you should have no problems.
Well, friends. Look at all the ground we’ve covered today. You have made it all the way to the table without exposing your inner asshole and have your very own server! Impressive.
In no time at all, you’ll be a more respectful, well-mannered, adequately-tipping consumer that knows…
(Audience joins in)
HOW TO BEHAVE THE NEXT TIME YOU MOONWALK THAT ASS INTO ANYBODY’S DINING ESTABLISHMENT!!!!
Isn’t that exciting??
Alright kids, that’s enough for today. As I said before, I don’t want to overwhelm you. I shall bring you gradually into the light.
Please submit all questions and I’ll respond below promptly.
Remember, Professor ChrisAlexander loves you. Tip the coatcheck, and have a great night.